It’s the kind of day in which small annoyances, inconveniences, and frustrations decide to fuse into a giant robot. Hyperbole and a Half illustrated it well in their Sneaky Hate Spiral post. They’re inconspicuous at first — one, two little things at a time — but packed together, it makes for a heavy metal and emotional menace.
Long story short: today, I am not okay.
Whenever people ask me if I’m okay on a day that I’m not okay, or when I’m obviously in pain or suffering, I used to lie and say that I am — even when I’m visibly physically hurt or barely able to talk because of being so choked up. “Don’t cry,” my Dad used to say whenever I tripped. If I did, then all I had to do was lie to myself and hope that the tears never came. Until today, there are still times I get surprised by my own tears.
But the truth is, I was not okay and I wanted to cry. It’s just that my upbringing taught me to grin and bear it.
I guess I made some progress over the years. When asked if I’m okay in the middle of suffering, I have learned to say, “I will be okay.” It allows me to be honest without being blatant, without laying myself bare because I still want to keep close whatever bit of pride or face that I have left. “I am not okay now, but I can say that I will be very soon.”
I am learning though. I have learned whom to trust. I know who among my close circle will listen and will understand. I am also learning how to write in such a way that I can get some form of release and just be chill about it — to tell my momentary story without looking for a morale or something to preach.
Today, I am not okay and I want to cry, because I have had a bad streak going starting last Tuesday, and at the present time, I am looking at a lot of uncertainties and consequences. I would prefer knowing of a negative outcome right away over an agonizing wait and having things out of my hands. I genuinely abhor waiting, but I know that it is a part of life, and “wait” (so long as there is an answer at the end of it) is a valid answer in itself.
But I still just want to spend a few moments (or a few hours) curled up in bed, playing sad, old school Mariah Carey songs for the sake of catharsis. Just as clear skies come after the rain, I need the tears so as I can see the light of joy again.
For now, I will just have to get up and show up, put on my makeup, paint on a smile with some lipstick, and make the best of my day.